I find that there is so much “Mom guilt” tied up into how well (or poorly) we feed our kids. When you're dealing with picky eaters, the person that becomes stressed out is not the child who won't eat- it's the Mom! And everyone seems to have advice on what you could be doing differently to help your child learn to eat a broader range of foods, and they are more than happy to share it with you, whether you've asked for it or not! And when you have a large family like mine- of course you're going to find at least one picky eater!
From the time our kids are babies, they go through different phases of eating habits. Some babies start out enjoying everything- fruits, veggies, meats, dairy- all of it. And then they turn into toddlers who eat mainly from one food group- known as “the toddler food group.” If it's not macaroni and cheese, french fries or breaded chicken nuggets- they won't touch it!
But by the time most kids transition into kindergarten they are past the super-picky eating phase and are usually into more of an exploratory-eating stage. So what you do when you have that kid who remains one of those “picky eaters”?
#1: Keep On (Gently) Trying
By all means, keep introducing more foods beyond what your picky eaters enjoy by serving new foods “family style” on the kitchen table. Gently suggest that they give it a little nibble and try it, reminding them that sometimes it takes many many tries before a new food “tastes good to them.”
But don't be surprised or upset when the food is rejected yet again- even without trying it. You want to set up the expectation that Mommy is going to keep preparing foods that the whole family (or at least the parents!) will enjoy, that are healthy and help to build strong bodies. But try not to get frustrated when your efforts are not rewarded.
I have found that the greatest success in getting one of my picky eaters to adventurously try a new food is when someone other than Mom encourages it while eating a meal together (like a favorite Uncle), or when we are out at a restaurant.
In the same way that what your spouse ordered off the menu looks more appealing than what you picked- we are usually able to get our kids to try a bite of something new when we order it out at a restaurant. And many times, they end up eating our dinner and one of us gets stuck with their “kids meal” that night!
#2: Pair New Foods With a Favorite Food
If you are going to serve something new, don't make it the “main event” even if it is an entree. Instead offer it on the side and see if you can get everyone to take a nibble. If you've got kids who can't stand to have the new food “touch” anything else on his plate, then serve the new food on a small dessert plate next to his dinner plate.
Another way I have been successful moving kids away from those typical toddler foods is to make a slight variation on their favorite and get them to accept that first before moving on to an entirely new dish.
So if they like a particular type of chicken nugget (say the kind from the Golden Arches), then your first goal is to get them to like a healthier chicken nugget that you can make at home. Then move from breaded chicken in a nugget shape to a breaded chicken breast.
Once you've made that leap, try sauces that they can dip the chicken breasts into- like a marsala sauce or a marinara sauce and once you've achieved that mark- then you can move full-on into chicken marsala and chicken parmesan for dinner!
#3: Offer a Back-Up Food
I know that there is the school of “This is what I've made for dinner, and if you choose not to eat it- that's your choice, but there will be nothing until breakfast.” And for those folks who have kids who have strong food preferences, but can be convinced to eat what Mom made if they have no other choice- this method works.
But if you have a truly picky eater- who simply will not- under any circumstances- eat what you've made, and you know it- then you are setting them up for failure. And you are turning the dinner table into a battlefield.
I tried that first route of cooking one thing that they could either eat or pass, and too often my picky eaters called my bluff and went hungry until morning. But for growing bodies- that's just not enough calories. And I felt as awful about it as they did.
A much better solution for me is to make a big pot of pasta once a week, cool the noodles and keep them in the fridge. Now I always have an acceptable back-up meal for a child who won't eat what I've cooked. I can simply add some butter or even some red sauce to a bowl of cold noodles, warm it in the microwave and in under a minute I have a back-up meal ready.
#4: Encourage, But Don't Push
There have been times when I have referred to myself as the “food pusher”. “Just one bite”… followed by “just another bite honey”… and “Won't you please take just another bite?” Entire meals spent begging, cajoling, nagging. It was exhausting- for them and for me.
Try really hard not to over-push. Nagging kids, or even worse, shaming them into feeling bad about not eating will not do anything to help you achieve your goal of getting your kids to eat new foods. In fact, it usually only convinces them to dig in harder and stick to their own convictions.
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#5: Understand That There Can Be Reasons For the Picky Eating
For years my son Jack had been a very picky eater (and he has permitted me to share his story here with you). As a toddler, he couldn't stand the “mouth feel” of foods like bread, yogurt, most meats (other than those glorious chicken nuggets!) and he ate no fruits or veggies.
As he grew to be a pre-schooler, we realized that he had some oral motor issues that required therapy to resolve. For example- he couldn't move his tongue from side to side in his mouth. Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat food if your tongue doesn't do a good job of moving that food around while you chew and swallow? No wonder certain foods made him feel so gaggy!
But once the therapy resolved the tongue movement issue- Jack didn't instantly become a “better eater”…. in fact- he still stayed pretty picky for years, but did move on to try and enjoy other types of chicken, some kinds of meats, some types of biscuits and rolls, even certain kinds of fruits.
Once Jack turned 9, he became more open to the idea of trying other foods- especially in restaurants. So one day we shared a piece of sesame chicken with him when dining out at a hibachi restaurant- and that's the day we learned that Jack has food allergies. Actually- lots of them. Sesame, soy, peanuts, tree nuts.
His allergist explained that for some kids, picky eating is the body's way of protecting itself. Jack would never eat a sandwich- could never get him to try peanut butter even though it is a staple in our house. It's as if his body knew that to him- the peanut butter and the trace of sesame found in many loaves of bread- would be poison to him.
Now I am certainly not saying that every picky eater has hidden food allergies! And there is some part of me that wonders if his food allergies are in some way triggered by the lack of early exposure to some of these foods (although our allergist doesn't see it that way). But what I am saying is that if you are parenting picky eaters, or your friend is parenting picky eaters- let's not jump right to the conclusion that this is just a stubborn child who needs to be parented better.
I think both the Mom and the child will thrive better with less pushing, more understanding, and lots of gentle encouragement.
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Do you have picky eaters at home? What advice do you have for Moms dealing with picky eaters?
Naomi says
This is a great read!!! Both of my kids are picky eaters but my son is unbearable with it! He drives me crazy! I am always looking for tips and ways to deal with it without losing my mind and pleading with him to eat his meals. Thank you for the tips, and I recommend reading this, https://www.ez.insure/landing/2021/03/the-survivors-guide-to-picky-eaters/ it was also very insightful and helpful and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.
Heather says
Thank you for this article. It was all stuff I knew (except I had never thought about the food allergies) but it was refreshing to read that some kids will just starve themselves, like mine. I wish I could show it to others who insist on pushing my kid and judging me as a parent for not pushing her hard enough!
Sharon Rowley says
Sometimes it just helps to hear that there are other parents in the same situation as you!
Jennifer says
Beautifully said! As a mom of two kids with food allergies and one kid with food aversions, I completely agree! It’s so nice to see I’m not alone. The mom definitely gets blamed and shamed whenever there is any type of food issue. Congratulations on figuring out the issues and dealing with them with such an inspiring attitude!!!
Sharon Rowley says
Thanks Jennifer! The shame and the blame on Moms for kids picky eating really has got to stop!
Amber says
Thank u for ur articles I am also a mother of 6 and four of them under the age of two so. Any advice from other mothers with large families is so helpful
Sharon Rowley says
I feel the same way- I am always looking to hear how other Moms with lots of kids handle things!
Laurie says
Thank you for this article! My son is so picky he won’t even eat chicken nuggets or microwaved leftover pasta. I have to reboil the cooked noodles in order for him to eat them. He also knows the difference in food brands even if he doesn’t see the packaging. I get ridiculed by friends and family all the time because I don’t force him to eat food he doesn’t like and I cook want he does like. I offer new foods every day and sometimes I get lucky, but not too often. I completely agree with the restaurant thing. He also tries new foods at a restaurant. On our cruise he tried steak and salmon and some other fish but he didn’t like anything and he was so disappointed. He really wants to eat these things but he just doesn’t like them. He lives off bread and butter on every vacation. It’s so upsetting and I dread meal time. It always a fight between me and him or me and everyone else that feels the need to say it’s my fault he’s “like this”. I’m just not sure what else to do!!!! 🙁
Sharon says
Hi Laurie!
Oh I feel your pain- and I am so sorry that you are going through this! You didn’t mention how old your son is….. But clearly- he is willing to try new foods as he did on your cruise. They just didn’t meet his expectations. Besides cooked noodles and bread and butter- are there other things that he likes? If he likes bread- can you try another spread on the bread like peanut butter or Nutella? Does he eat desserts or sweets where you could try mixing some protein powder in with something sweet to build the nutrition? Those would be my first go-to’s…. but I am guessing you’re long since past that and have already tried these things. And I assume you’ve discussed this with your pediatrician who has done blood work and looked at vitamin levels, etc and can confirm that your child is healthy, right? If so- the one thing I would most recommend is that you are going to have to start ignoring the judgment of others- they want to blame you- but you can’t force your son to eat. You can model, you can encourage, you can reward trying, but ultimately, he has to choose. This isn’t your fault- and the guilt you are feeling only makes a very difficult situation worse.
Kami says
Great article! Thank you!
Charlotte says
Thank you for this article. I have two sons who are/were picky eaters. The funny part of this story is that the older one(24) now takes the approach to his younger brother that I always dreaded. Do not make different food then he will eat what you cook! I tried always not make a scene during dinner. And the older one now loves food although there are certain things he still will not eat. My motto is: battling a child over what to eat is a war you will always loose!
Sharon says
I so agree with you that it is a battle you will always lose! But I have to admit- I love to hear that the picky eater became a “food pusher” when he got older!
Carol A Jensen says
I’m glad you’ve learned that there can be reasons for being “picky”! If only we had time to listen to our bodies. Very good article.
Sharon says
You are so right- we should take the time to listen to our bodies… and that’s a lesson that goes beyond just our kids- that applies to us too!
Cindi says
I love this. Made me feel better about how I deal with my picky eater. 😉 I follow pretty much everything you mentioned, although I do occasionally use bribery to get him to try something I know he’ll really like! (probably shouldn’t do that, I know…). Thanks for sharing.
Sharon says
I’ve definitely used bribery too on more than one occasion! (And this is a no-judgment zone here for sure!). But when I thought about it later, I realized that my underlying message to my son probably came across as, “Eat this icky thing so you can move on to the good stuff.” And I didn’t want him to think he needed to gag something down in order to get the reward… that it wasn’t going to lead to him really liking the dish I was trying to get him to eat.