There are few discussions that get the adoption community more stirred up than when one person declares what they believe to be the proper terms for “biological Mom” and “adoptive Mom”. Adoptive parents, biological parents, and adoptees can take a very firm stance on what they individually believe is the right “adoption language“- Birth Mom, Biological Mom, Adoptive Mom, Forever Mom, Real Mom. But I think the key is finding the right adoption language for your family– that works for you at this time.
Adoption Language- Offer a Starting Point
Right from the beginning, we offered some terms to our kids that we felt comfortable with, in order to have a starting place to encourage discussions about adoption. And the term we chose to describe each child's biological Mom was “China Mom”- which we explained as “the Mommy in China who carried you in her belly until you were born”.
This opened the door for each of our children to ask questions regarding his or her “China Mom”. “Where is she?”, “I miss her- does she miss me?”, and so on.
The whole point of offering up “China Mom” was that it was simple, understandable (we watch our videos from China and talk about China all of the time), and it was just a starting point until each one became old enough to have his or her own opinion on the matter.
Adoption Language- And Then Let Them Decide on the Terms
A few years ago, one of my daughters decided that “China Mom” wasn't cutting it for her anymore. She decided that her “China Mom” was her “Real Mom”, and she also decided that this meant that I was now the “Fake Mom”. All of this she explained to me in a very straightforward manner- not meant to make me feel bad or sad, but just in a way that was “giving me the facts” as she now saw them.
Now I knew then as I do today, just how much my daughter loves me, and the fact that she had decided to think of me as her “Fake Mom” shouldn't really matter. It was just a label that suited her at the time.
Except that some part of me didn't want her to think of me as “fake”, which I associate with something even worse than fake, which is “temporary”.
Yet I did not want to ask her to change her mind about how she wanted to (and needed to) think about her first mother. If the term “Real Mom” felt right to her, then it was hers to use.
But I asked her if maybe we could think of another term that might better describe who I am to her. Since I am the Mom who takes care of her, and helps her learn how to do new things, and cooks for her and washes her clothes, and tucks her in at night- what would be a good way to describe me?
And she came up with “the Mom who is helping her to grow up”… or the “Growing Up Mom”. Which was just fine with me.
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Adoption Language Will Change Over Time
These days I am just “Mom”. And my daughter uses different terms at different times to talk about her biological Mom. Sometimes we talk a lot about China and her birth family, and then weeks go by and life is busy with other things- and we don't talk about it at all. But that doesn't mean she isn't thinking about it.
I believe the key is to allow my kids to take the lead- when they want to talk, the terms they want to use, and so on. Sure- I'll toss out a conversation starter every now and then just to make sure that they know that I am always comfortable having these discussions, and the door is always open when they're ready.
And I don't wince as to the terms they use for me or their “China Mom”. I know that they may choose to toss away these terms and choose others that fit how they are feeling at that point in their life. And that is fine with me.
Right now- I am just happy to be here to help my kids grow up, so “Growing Up Mom” suits me just fine.
Looking for some posts on Adoption Parenting?
- Why We Decided to Grow Our Family Through Adoption
- How to Explain Adoption to Your Friends and Family
- 8 Great Books on Adoption Parenting
- 7 Steps to Managing the Adjustment Period When Adopting an Older Child
- Things I Wish People Didn't Feel Compelled to Ask
Rachel says
Thanks for writing about this. I hope to adopt some day, and I’ve often wondered how “growing up parents” handle this issue.
My husband was raised by a male relative other than his biological father. Moving from living with his parents to this relative’s house happened when my husband was three, so he remembers both before and after. He did see his parents from time to time after that, but never really had a relationship with them. His relationship with his mother was problematic, to say the least, and the man who raised him was divorced, so I never had to learn anything about naming terminology about “mom” for him. For my husband, “Dad” is the man who raised him. When he talks about his biological father, he consistently says “Father.” This particular arrangement took some getting used to for me, but it’s very convenient for him, as he can talk about either man to anyone while sidestepping the whole conversation about his family’s drama.
Sharon says
Thanks so much for sharing this Rachel. As an adoptive parent who was raised by my own bio parent, I don’t have the benefit of first-hand experience as the child raised by “growing up parents”. So I really appreciate it when someone shares their own perspective. We can all learn from one another.
Stayingalivemoma says
What great tips!! Yes, it definitely takes planning, for sure. (And Nick Jr.) I have my “me” time when the boys go to sleep.
Sharon says
It’s so important to grab that “me” time whenever you can!
Gina aka Slappy says
A good friend of mine asked me recently how we told our kids that they were adopted. I honestly couldn’t remember a time when they just didn’t “know”. Mine call me “momma” and have never really asked about their “other mom”, but someday I know they will.
Sharon says
That is EXACTLY how it should be…. there should never be a time in your child’s life when he/she first realizes that he/she is adopted. It should be a part of the stories you share at night “I remember the first day I met you, the first night you snuggled in my arms, the first meal I served you”, etc. We tell those kinds of stories all of the time around here, either from me bringing it up, or one of them asking to hear it again. And there came a time, when one of their teachers was pregnant that we talked about babies growing in bellies and how they grew in another Mommy’s belly.
Sometimes it is hard to find the words to introduce the topic…. but you have to go there in tiny bits and pieces, as a way of saying “It’s always okay to talk to me about these things…. I will never be upset that you want to talk about it, I am here for you.”
maggie says
Sharon – You are so right – words we use can mean so many different things to different people and, to your point, the same people at different times. I know I cried when our daughter said that I wasn’t her Mom and her Mom was in China. She didn’t use the term “real Mom” but I knew what she meant. I didn’t make a big deal of it and quite soon after that she starting calling us Mommy and Daddy and uses the Chinese terms mama and baba for her foster family. I always refer to them as her foster mama/baba but she doesn’t and I don’t want to force her to use a term that she doesn’t want to. She’s 5 1/2 right now so this works for her. At some point that may change or it may not. Thanks for the post. Maggie
Sharon says
I try to look at discussions about her “China Mom/Real Mom” as discussions about my daughter. When she decides that I need to be called something else, even “Fake Mom”, I try to keep in mind that it is not about me at all.
I know that it hurts on some level- I really do. But I really do not think it is meant to be a dismissal of you, or of her love for you, or of your importance in her life. She is just grappling with all of the facts and trying to find a way to love and honor this phantom “Mom” in her life that feels right to her. And I do believe that it is she is completely assured of where she stands with you, that you love her unconditionally, that she feels comfortable exploring this other part of her feelings.
Lynne says
Love that! Did she ever tell you she wanted to meet her “real” mom???
Sharon says
No, she has never really asked about “meeting her”…. mostly she says she “misses her”. And once in awhile she might ask if we can see her the next time we go to China- but when I explain that we don’t know her or where she lives or what her name is…. she doesn’t react in a sad way, just kind of an accepting way. I think that there are many levels to understanding this concept in any depth, and right now we are just scratching the surface. She’ll determine the pace of discussion.