When you have six kids and they participate in so many different after school activities, you spend a good deal of your time just playing “chauffeur”. When the kids are younger- there's really no dilemma at all. No matter which kid has soccer practice, swimming lessons. speech therapy, or a dentist appointment- all of the kids hop into the car too- and everyone's going along.
But is it fair to always drag them along for the ride?
Once your older kids hit middle-school-age, is it okay to leave them home alone and even put them in charge of “babysitting” the younger ones while you shuttle other kids back and forth to activities?
Things have changed in this area of parenting!
Way “back in the day”, I was already babysitting my neighbor's four kids when I was just 12 years old! There were even twin babies involved so I was even called upon to change diapers! However, my mom was always home, just a mere three doors down from the house where I was babysitting, so if I were to run into any sort of problem- I had “backup” just moments away.
But somehow today it feels to me as if things are different, and I wrestle with this choice all of the time.
It seems okay to leave kids at home if I'm just running to drop a child off at soccer practice at the local park which is less than 3 miles away, but is it still okay if I'm going to drive 20 miles away to a swimming lesson and stay there for 90 minutes?
Okay for a 15-minute stop at the grocery store but not okay for an errand that might take an hour?
My dilemma is that there are really two schools of thought about this:
The first one is that a little “free-range parenting” is a good thing. Allowing the kids to stay home alone and babysit their younger siblings teaches them responsibility, right? The kids feel grown-up, and trusted, and learn that they can handle things on their own for a bit of time.
My kids generally act pretty mature, follow our house rules, and have shown me that they can be trusted- so they have proven that they have earned this rite-of-passage, haven't they?
On the other hand…
The natural-born-mom-worrier in me thinks of all of the things that could go wrong when they are home without adult supervision.
What if someone decides to make microwave popcorn and puts it on for 30 minutes instead of 3 and catches the kitchen on fire?
What if they lock themselves out of the house and can't remember where I've hidden the spare key?
What if some menacing stranger decides to pull into my driveway, break the door down and kidnap my children?
See what an overly imaginative mind can do to a Mom's good sense?
The benefit of knowing how it all turned out!
I originally wrote this post six years ago when my kids ranged in age from 7-12. Now that I have the benefit of knowing how it all turned out- I can say that giving them doses of independence when they hit their middle school years, and gradually stretching that out over time is what worked for us.
Was it always smooth? No.
Did someone once drop a pizza inside of the oven so that the cheese burned everywhere and the fire alarm went off from all of the smoke? Indeed.
Have my kids had to figure out whether or not to answer the door, or how to handle a phone call from a stranger when not in my presence? Yes- they did.
But these experiences helped them to learn how to handle things that didn't go as planned… and that's always a good thing!
Erica says
I have seven children and I will say quite often if an older kid (7th grade)was staying home they got to babysit the younger ones if it was about an hour or less (I realize this would not work for all families). Now my youngest is in 8th grade and my other two that live home are in 9th and 11th grade. I still try not to leave them home for hours and hours since I’m already doing that for work, but I’m not stressing about it. No one died, the microwave fire put itself out, and the kids learned teamwork. Now if they could just learn how to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher!
Sharon Rowley says
Oh I hear you! And all it takes is one person to leave one dish on the countertop- and then they all think it’s okay to do so!
Beth says
I too struggle with this decision, i have an 8th grader and a 1st grader. I worry too much about leaving her alone at home so other than taking a walk in my neighborhood for 10 minutes to pick up her brother from the bus stop, I don’t leave her alone at home. She would like to skip the grocery store trips but I feel like I am going too far away and for too long. She is starting high school next year and I am going to have to let her grow up and this is one way to do that…but it is so very hard to imagine doing so.
Kris C. says
This is a struggle that conscientious parents have to deal with, but I do believe that baby steps are important to establish trust, teach responsibility and instill good judgement and confidence over time as kids grow and mature. Unfortunately, there is a big hindrance in teaching these skills, as parents not only have to worry about “the bad guys” but also, if something were to happen to the kid/s (God forbid), the parents are held responsible and could be imprisoned for child endangerment! I’ve seen more and more news stories like this lately, and it makes me mad that it forces me to be more of a helicopter parent than I ever wanted to be.
Sharon says
I hear you Kris…. I’ve seen the same news stories and I think to myself- were these parents truly being neglectful? Or just trying to teach their kids responsibility? I could also argue that kids are in more danger by being driven around in a car for hours dropping siblings off at practices and activities. I have a feeling that statistics would show a greater likelihood of danger out on the road than at home.
Adrienne says
Our kids are 12, 10, and 7. We’ve started letting the older two stay by themselves for 30-60 minutes after school until I get home from work (my office is 7 minutes away and there are neighbors home). We’ve reviewed “backup” plans for what they’d do if a) they forgot their key, b) the garage door opener didn’t work, c) Neighbors A & B aren’t home, etc. We have rules for no playing out front or using the microwave when I’m not home. They’ve done very well, calling me as soon as they get in and looking for my “love notes” (checklist of responsibilities when they get home). My main rule of thumb is how far away we are and how quickly we could get home. We’ve left the oldest and youngest at home for 2 hours while our son has a baseball game, but the field is 5 minutes away. So far, so good!
Sharon says
Thanks for your thoughts Adrienne. I can’t help but feel that things were different when I was a kid… and parents perhaps didn’t think so hard about when to leave kids home alone. They did it- and when everything was fine, they kept doing it. And I feel that I was given more responsibility at a much younger age.
Sharyl says
I have gone back and forth on this one–and for now the answer has been to take everyone with me. My 3 of 4 children are in middle school – 2 in 6th and 1 in 7th and then one is a high schooler in 9th grader–but is not very mature. I read this great book–Raising Free Range Children last year and thought it is time for me to let go a bit. But it was pretty controlled last year…I let the 7th grader and 9th grader do some activities without me driving them—and it was hard. The younger twins last year were in adventure camp.
A co worker had a 8th grader and a 6th grader and she let them take care of themselves during the summer, while she worked. A stranger followed them home. Luckily the children barricaded themselves in the bathroom and called 911. But after that…have never trusted leaving them home.
Sharon says
Wow- that’s a scary story Sharyl- about your co-worker. I know if something like that happened to someone I knew, it would certainly make me question my decisions. But I don’t think I am ready to let middle-school ages kids stay home all day every day by themselves.
This is a tough parenting dilemma….